Seriously, I get it now. The planets aligned last evening and I came to a startling conclusion in the midst of a agonizing headache. It was a brutal headache, felt like worms were nibbling their way through my brain and tap dancing with their legless bodies on every nerve ending. Yes John, it hurt that bad. Anyway, back to the conclusion. Relationships that die can’t be brought back to life. And if they are, they probably aren’t going to be as good as they were before. This was really painful for me to wrap my head around.
Every serious relationship I’ve ever been in, beginning with my sons’ father and ending with you ended for a reason. Attempts to repair my three relationships ended in failure. I wasn’t meant to be with the boys’ dad, my girlfriend or you. Our relationship breakdown has been significantly different than my prior two. Yours has been the most ugliest, hateful, extreme breakup and on-going divorce process imaginable. For all the love you professed to hold for me has become laughable except it hurts so bad to be blind-sided as I was. There was so much determination within me to make this marriage work that…well, it doesn’t matter. You are a past relationship now. You know I still hurt. Tesla knows I still hurt. She can read me like a preschool book.
Do I miss our good relationship moments? Of course. It’s the only thing that keeps me from hating you.
I am NOT tearing up. I refuse to waste tears on you.
P.S. I pray, if nothing else you learned some good things during our relationship and though it can’t be saved, maybe your experiences and mistakes can help you have a sounder relationship with Heather.
P.S.S. Get out of my dreams. They feel like nightmares.