April 17 2007 revisited

This is a blog from 2007  that doesn’t tell the full story of what happened the day I miscarried.  I was embarrassed to tell what really happened after I lost the baby.  Not embarrassed by the loss of my baby, but by the actions of my husband.  This is the story I shared then:

I said “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” so many times in my short 36 years.  It usually applied to men in some form or another but yesterday was a different story.  I’d been having problems for about a week with spotting and contacted my doctor.  I had an appointment on Monday to see her at the clinic.  Since finding out I was pregnant, I also found out my insurance wouldn’t cover any maternity.  Insurance sucks for those self-employed unless you can afford to drop about $1k a month, just on health insurance.

We went to see the doctor Monday and I was pretty sure there wouldn’t be good news.  I was right.  She did an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat.  Actually, there really wasn’t anything but a dark hole showing.  We went home and I was to take it easy.  Tuesday, John and I visited my dad and gave him a birthday present.  While at my parents I suddenly got horrible cramps and started to bleed heavy.  By the time we got home I was hurting bad.  Within an hour I had  passed everything.  It was awful.  There’s no other words to describe it.  I put it somewhere between almost losing both my sons shortly after birth and almost dying myself after having Tesla.  I would rather go through almost dying then losing a baby again.  While it didn’t kill me it did break my heart.  I know these things happen for a reason and that there was most likely something wrong with the baby but it doesn’t help with the pain I feel inside. 

Having another child now or in the future is looking bleek.  I can’t put myself through the stress for the 5th time.  I have 3 beautiful children who all seem to be healthy and happy at this time in their life so I don’t feel the need to push my luck again.   I have the next 18 years of a little girl counting on her Momma so I better shape up cause I can’t ship out.

Story addition:

AFTER I miscarried, my doctor insisted that John take the fetus into the hospital.  I showered while he was gone and Tesla was napping.  When John returned from the hospital he came into our bedroom where I was lying in bed, still in pain.  He said he took the fetus into the hospital and noone seemed to know what to do about it.  I didn’t have much to say until he said he was leaving again. 

 “What do you mean you’re leaving?!  Tesla is going to wake up soon and I am in no shape to take care of a 1 year old!” 

 He responded he had a softball game he HAD to pitch at 6pm.  It was just after 5pm at that moment.

“Are you serious?!  You’re leaving me here with Tesla after I just lost our baby so you can play softball?!?!”

I was crushed at his lack of sympathy and empathy for me, his wife, mother of his living and now passed child.  I realized then John only thought of himself first and always would.  After I expessed my feelings, he did stay home.  I guess guilt managed to affect him.

It’s almost been 4 years since the day I lost a pregnancy.  I don’t anguish like I had in the past, but I will always be saddened by losing my child and realizing how little feelings my husband had.

~P

Go ahead...take a swing. I'll duck and listen.

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