Dear John~You may not want to read this

Dear John,

There, I told you why I hurt and only asked you try to make it less.  Our conversation only lasted a minute at most as it was no huge request requiring a lengthy explanation.  The anger that boils over when I see you is what filled me when the love was emptied.  I want to feel nothing.  I wait to feel nothing.  But I feel.

I’m told it’s a thin line between love and hate.  I can’t say I hate you, yet I know I’m not in love. Instead, unfair and unwanted emotions fill me, torment me.  Poking me like hot sticks pulled out of the fire.  A fire that burned so hot and never went out, but instead is smoldering.  The fuel that makes the emotions rise back into a flame are confusing and unwanted.  Pain, anger and lost love.

No relationship is perfect but I tried my best.  To have a marriage fail when I truly was in love is painful beyond explanation.  I look back in doubt, wondering if you ever really loved me.  Was I just the vehicle you controlled to reach your goals in life?  I find it hard to believe you were in love with me as deeply as I loved you.  It was just too easy for you to move on as I sank deeper and deeper into depression.  You replaced me with woman after woman, declaring each one to be your new love, while I sat back wondering what happened to your love for me.

I made mistakes, perhaps even falling deeper into depression before seeking medical attention to help me cope with my near death experiences and the loss of our second child.  It tore me up inside, feeling like a failure and hearing your voice confirm it.  Why couldn’t you be there for me when I needed you the most?  I never felt like I was your most important and I was right in that feeling.  My tears and fears were warranted yet your focus was always on the business and making money.  If I couldn’t receive a quick-fix to be a “good wife” in your eyes, you just didn’t have the time to work on the marriage.  My disappointment swallows me up.  The bitterness we both feel doesn’t surprise me.  We had it all and it stolen from us.  Pride and blame stepped in and tore us apart, letting a broken home for our child.  A true shame as I believed we shared a special bond that could never be broken.

This may cause no emotion in you.  If it does, most likely you will hide or deny it.  You may ignore my request to not bring your girlfriend along when we have appointments and meetings concerning Tesla.  I’m at least honest when I tell you it hurts having it shoved in my face.  Tesla may not have her parents together anymore but in all fairness, your girlfriend does not need to be present.  I’m not chasing you, begging you to remain married in some desperate wish that the pain and anger can once again be happiness and love.  I don’t care to cry after every encounter that involves seeing and speaking with you.  Getting through situations where we are together for the sake of Tesla is much easier without a girlfriend there.  I tell myself no one will ever love you as I did because I accepted you for who and how you are.  I knew all your secrets, your temper and your fears and I still loved you.

You once said your biggest fear was losing me and you couldn’t live without me.  I know that is no longer true.  I am sure your biggest fear now is losing Tesla.  Tesla will always be our daughter and because of her, I will always have love for you.   Not the deep, in love, passion I felt years ago.  But the smoldering love that I cannot escape, no matter how much I pray for the fire to be extinguished.

Go ahead...take a swing. I'll duck and listen.

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