The cries for an epidural

A tiny excerpt from “I Used to Drive a Mercedes”

           Hell yeah I wanted an epidural.  I popped out my sons without an epidural and this time, I wanted it to be as painless as possible.  Thirteen years had passed since I last gave birth but the memory of the pain had not faded.  Shoot me up in the back, I’m ready!  I felt the relief from contractions almost immediately.  Finally, a break from the constant pain in my lower region.  “I feel funny,” I said to my husband.   John looked at the vitals monitor and hit my nurse in the ass.  “Hey, her heart rate is dropping.”  I felt my head start to jerk back and forth much like a bobble head moves.  Things started to go dark and I could hear the nurse order my sister, mom and two friends out of the room.  The anesthesiologist called code; I was gone.

And then, I came back.  Whatever they did worked and I woke to a room full of doctors and nurses.  A little too much epidural and bam, you are dead.  I cried, grabbing onto my husband.  He told me, “don’t cry” and my nurse said, “She can cry if she wants!” So I did.  I’m not feeling any pain, but shit, that scared me almost to death.  Hours later it is time to push, but the brat is in my uterus sticking her nose up at me.  I’m glad my doctor was a woman and she had small hands.  Things were a bit crowded in there ya know?  I couldn’t feel pain but knew I would pay later for her helping hand.  In went the hand and in two pushes, out came the baby.  She was perfect.

Go ahead...take a swing. I'll duck and listen.

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