7 Month Sentence

Life is just crazy. The things that happen, sometimes we see coming, other times we’re blindsided. That’s how it is for everyone.

I don’t write as much as I used to, but I’ve really been thinking about writing my book. I’m just not sure how to go about it. Really, with how life is going, I am still tied to my ex-husband. Tied through the mortgage for the house and, of course, having a child together. I have so many notes, calendars, scraps of paper, etc. to use for the book it’s nearly overwhelming.

prison-bars

He and his wife are over after 7 months. You know who I feel bad for, Tesla. She’s the one who has to endure their fighting, her father calling the police to document an argument in which he started. Like the police are there to take his argument calls. Seriously. And Tesla get dragged into it because he’s claiming Gina, his wife, soon to be Ex-Wifey #3, was harassing Tesla.  His lies, his name calling, his bragging, his carefree fake bs that only he can pull off as a wounded man of an endless string of women who weren’t good enough.

Wow, does this bring back memories or what? I had to deal with his drama every single freaking day. Throw in the secretary La, and occasionally John’s one brother, and it was off the hook insanity. I couldn’t trust ANYONE.

And when I did, they stabbed me in my back. It was vicious.

So John’s down yet another wife.

He has a pre-nup that covers him for the house. I’m sure the speed dating will resume.

Poor Tesla.

~P.

Dear John~Again with the Control Issues

Letters he never learns from

Letters he never learns from

Dear John,

Time has flown by and summer has passed quickly.  The season is changing and school is just a few days away.  

You, however, haven’t changed a bit.

When you called Wednesday, the 14th, at 8:07 AM, and said I could have Tesla over the weekend, I requested getting her on Sunday, as Dale and I had actually made plans together, to go somewhere on a day-trip, maybe even overnight somewhere, you know, just him and I.  It sounds like “no big deal” to someone like you, but to us it was a special, little, “over-nighter”.

I asked to get Tesla on Sunday, anytime, even at 5 PM like the summer schedule states, but have her go back on Tuesday at 7, or earlier.  I was pretty much willing to go with whatever you said, beings a judge put you in charge and all.  What the hell was that judge thinking?  I just wanted to work this out between us.

So you suggest me picking Tesla up at 4 on Sunday and you retrieving her at 4 on Tuesday.  I immediately said that was fine, and meant it.  Sometimes I say “fine” to you just, because anything else would be inappropriate and you would most likely call the police.

Later, I’m guessing maybe Heather came home and heard we had agreed on the 4-4, Sunday to Tuesday agreement….let me consult my cellphone right now to be accurate….

1:15 PM Pic Message

1084844_611926978827395_86321858_o

Now mind you, I have a copy of this entire court order and don’t need you (and Heather) sending me pictures of the document.  When we were talking about this weekend and before Tesla starts school, it was trying to arrange more time for Tesla to be with me.  If you would like, I can take a picture of the court order where it states you should allow Tesla time with her mother beyond what is mandated.  Actually, I posted a copy of the entire court order online, and if you want, refer to it by page number there in the future.  That way, I won’t have to see Heather’s attempt of spelling Christmas and final decision to just write X-mas.

http://wp.me/p1j2Ur-QE <—custody order

At 1:27 PM I noticed your picture message and replied “We have an agreement.”  Seriously John, we HAD a verbal agreement.

AT 1:29 PM You responded “The court order clearly states what I thought that’s why I offered you the weekend so I guess we will just follow the court order.”

At 1:35 I responded “John 4 on Sunday to 4 on Tuesday is fine.  Why make a big deal out of what we already agreed on.”

You never responded to my text.  I think I called once, maybe twice.  Finally Tesla did call me Thursday and when I mentioned seeing her Sunday she immediately said she couldn’t come.  Do you hear the sound of her voice when she has to tell me such things?  Of course when you and I got on the phone you said I had my chance and passed.  What the hell John?!  Way to make it sound like I don’t want my child when you KNOW I do and you KNOW she is standing right there listening.  So I say, “Fine, I’ll get her Friday and she can just go where ever we go.”   Your response was exactly what I thought it would be…”I’ll let you know.”

What the hell do you mean you’ll let me know?  I don’t hear back from you for another day making it clear I wasn’t getting her on Friday.

Way to screw with my weekend, which I’m sure you enjoy.

I had texted you three times Friday, trying to get an answer.

August 16th 8:22 AM “Time I can get TT Friday?”

1:31 PM  “Are you letting TT come with me today?”

5:47 PM “Is Tesla allowed to come visit please?”

Finally, at 6:14 you text me this: “She said she like to stay here for the weekend.”  You also aren’t taking my phone calls, making it clear I can’t talk to Tesla.

At 6:34 I wrote you “So can I have her at all before school starts?  I’m sure she would like at least a day.  Please ask her.  Ty”

This morning I texted you at 8:54 AM “Are you going to let me see our daughter before school starts?”

At noon I texted you “Do you think ignoring me is appropriate?”

I still haven’t heard from you John and it is now Saturday night.  I don’t get you and I don’t appreciate being ignored.

Your controlling behavior will be your downfall.  Perhaps you should retake the kids first class because I don’t think you grasped a single concept of the “learning how to be a good co-parent for your child” program.  https://girlboxer1970.com/2011/07/11/kids-first/

Will I see Tesla this weekend?  Monday?  Tuesday?  Technically, you can make me wait until next Friday at 5 to see Tesla again.

Will you do that, propping yourself up with the court order as justification to keep Tesla to yourself?

How about giving the “court order” bullshit a rest?  And if Tesla doesn’t want to visit with me, she is capable of telling me herself.

That way I will believe it, because I don’t believe even half the shit you tell me.

You and your usual ways.

~P.

 

 

Dear John~6 days

Letters he never learns from

Letters he never learns from

Dear John,

After six days of not seeing Tesla and barely getting to speak to her on the phone, was it really to much for me to ask for 30 minutes with her to play down on the playground?  It is insulting to not only me, but Tesla also, when you say in front of her and anyone within listening range that “Tesla is going home to eat dinner with her family.”

I am her mother, you moron.  As much as you would like to pretend I don’t exist or count in her life, I very much count to her.  Who do you think is REALLY asking?  As soon as she sees me, she begins begging to leave with me or at least spend some time with me.  She’s afraid to ask you, so she asks me to do it for her.  Basically, you are telling Tesla she can’t have time with me that she desperately wants.  I drive ridiculous lengths to spend as much time with, or at least looking at, Tesla.  Asking for 30 minutes and being refused just proves your selfishness and desperate need to control Tesla and I.

Someday, just like I told her, she won’t have to deal with your stupid drama.  That’s not putting her in the middle, it’s telling her the truth.

~P.

Dear John~ If your nose grew from all the lies you tell it would circle the world twice

Letters he nevers learns from

Letters he never learns from

Dear John,

All I wanted was to spend an hour or two with Tesla today.  Such a simple request, yet it was shot down immediately.  According to you I couldn’t pick-up Tesla because Heather had plans with her.  I don’t give a damn if Heather has plans with her, she’s not Heather’s child.  And your response that Heather treats Tesla like she is hers makes no difference.  It was a losing argument for me as you are “in control.”

I KNOW Tesla did nothing special after school today because I asked her what fun thing Heather did with her and the girls.  The highlight of Tesla’s afternoon with Heather was playing Uno.  You didn’t want to interrupt those precious plans Heather made….. Oh please!  There were no special plans.  Even if there were, Mom trumps live-in girlfriend.

And last night, when your phone supposedly wasn’t working and you didn’t get my calls or texts…..come on!  You just didn’t answer the phone.  Trying to hide that you are not even WITH our child.  You disgust me.  You have no respect for your daughter’s desire to see her mother.  Instead, you push her on whoever the current girlfriend happens to be or getting double duty out of LaDonna as a secretary and child care.  Does it make you feel like a big man to deny your child her mother?

On top of your big, fat lies, Tesla tells me you have been out of town for days.  Over and over, Tesla tells me how much she misses me and then I have to learn you’re not even with her.  What ever happened to how flexible your schedule was and you are always available to care for Tesla?  It’s all bullshit and when the time comes, it will all fly back into your lying face.

I have determined that God only allowed you to procreate with me because anyone else would have lost their patience with you by now.  If it wasn’t for my even-temper, I would have long lost it on your  arrogant ass.

Lastly, for you to tell me I might “hurt” Tesla with what I write is a joke.  There is no doubt in my mind that the games you and Heather play with my child is much more painful for her than someday reading what she already knows.   That her daddy isn’t nice.

Keeping track of all your lies,

~P.

Dear John~I get it now

Letters he nevers learns from

Letters he never learns from

Dear John,

Seriously, I get it now.   The planets aligned last evening and I came to a startling conclusion in the midst of a agonizing headache.  It was a brutal headache, felt like worms were nibbling their way through my brain and tap dancing with their legless bodies on every nerve ending.  Yes John, it hurt that bad.  Anyway, back to the conclusion.  Relationships that die can’t be brought back to life.  And if they are, they probably aren’t going to be as good as they were before.  This was really painful for me to wrap my head around.

Every serious relationship I’ve ever been in, beginning with my sons’ father and ending with you ended for a reason.  Attempts to repair  my three relationships ended in failure.  I wasn’t meant to be with the boys’ dad, my girlfriend or you.  Our relationship breakdown has been significantly different than my prior two.  Yours has been the most ugliest, hateful, extreme breakup and on-going divorce process imaginable.  For all the love you professed to hold for me has become laughable except it hurts so bad to be blind-sided as I was. There was so much determination within me to make this marriage work that…well, it doesn’t matter.  You are a past relationship now.  You know I still hurt.  Tesla knows I still hurt.  She can read me like a preschool book.

Do I miss our good relationship moments?  Of course.  It’s the only thing that keeps me from hating you.

I am NOT tearing up.  I refuse to waste tears on you.

~P.

P.S.  I pray, if nothing else you learned some good things during our relationship and though it can’t be saved, maybe your experiences and mistakes can help you have a sounder relationship with Heather.

P.S.S. Get out of my dreams.  They feel like nightmares.

Dear John~Stop contacting my family

Letters he nevers learns from

Dear John,

This is the last straw.  They had to medicate my mother in rehab after your surprise visit.  Or should I call it an attack?  Do not call my parents to take Tesla to them.  They have a daughter (AS IN ME) who will gladly take their granddaughter (TESLA) to see them.

My dad is a drama king, just like you.  It is my mother who suffers.  She doesn’t give a shit if you’re mad at her or not.  What she does give a shit about is you staying out of her physical therapy room, interrupting like you have something important to say.  If my mom talks to Tesla, butt out and let them talk.  You listening in is causing all types of problems.

As far as your refusing to let Tesla and I spend time together over the Thanksgiving break from our schools, you don’t surprise me.  If you feel like it’s a win for you to separate us over extended amounts of time….well that wouldn’t surprise me either.

Stop contacting everyone in my family, including Dale.

Not dearly yours,

~P

Dear John~mocking your child

Letters he nevers learn from

Dear John,

It’s been stressful for Tesla and I dealing with your drama.  Your self-centered desire to have the world rotate around you.  While I detest having to beg you to let me spend time with Tesla, I do it.  If I don’t ask and ask and ask, I would only see Tesla every other weekend.  Even my sons are appalled that you intentionally keep Tesla from seeing her mother….their mother.

Tonight Tesla said how nice it was that you took her to your softball game so she could see me.  I agreed with her because what else could my response have been?  You don’t want her and my visit to be considered you allowing us to see each other…but there is no other way to explain it.  The judge encouraged you to allow time for Tesla and I beyond the court order, you just want to forget that part.

I didn’t bring up how pissed off I am that you are still insisting on suing me for child support.  That I should be held responsible to support Tesla in the household.  Oh, and that Heather pays rent, or utilities or whatever.  I was just happy to be with Tesla.

Speaking of Heather, I’m sorry to hear of the loss in her family.  Before you showed your true colors to Tesla tonight, I had offered to help out if you needed me too.  Of course you have everything under control.  I didn’t ask why LaDonna was getting Tesla ready for school on Wednesday, but that makes sense now.  She is handy to fill in as the third mommy.  What’s her hourly rate as substitute mom?

Wrapping this up, I just want to point out for a second time what a douchebag move that was mocking Tesla (and me) when we said our goodbyes.  Tesla said “eight days” referring to how long she must wait to be with me and I repeated it back to her. We didn’t need your mocking in that high-pitch voice, “eight days! eight days!”  It just points out how pathetic and bitter you are that this little girl misses her mom.  When I told you not to mock her for missing me, you said you weren’t but news flash….YOU WERE.  I knew it and so did Tesla.  She crossed her arms and didn’t want you to touch her as you walked her to your truck.  I don’t blame her.

Shame on you ,John.  Shame on you.

~P.

Dear John~It is NOT about you

Dear John,

I realize you probably like when I cry.  Makes you feel good.  I realize as much as you tell me you don’t read my blog, you most likely do.  You tell me you just have to hear about it from 5 to 10 people.  In reality that narrows it down to 1.  You are known for your exaggerations.  (Sorry to hear you’re not getting laid-you’ll remedy that)

You keep bringing up the past, while I push for the present.  You claim I hurt you in the past, that I didn’t want to spend time with our daughter, that I was a drug addict, that I spent money wildly.  Seriously, even if it were 100% true, what does any of that have to do with now?  Our past is OVER and I have moved on.  I realize you have not and you are waiting for me to say I was the one who caused our break-up.  That will never happen.

Tonight you asked if I thought you were stupid.  Well, I do think you are stupid but not due to the reason you asked.  You seem to believe if you let Tesla spend time with me, I will file for custody.  I can file whether you let her spend time with me outside the custody order or not.  It’s not about what you want, it’s about what she wants.  I know you listen to our conversations and hear her counting off how many days until she is with me.  I’m not putting that into her head, she puts it into mine.  I don’t ask her if she wants to live with me, she tells me every chance she gets.  It’s not that she doesn’t love her father, she just wants to live with her mother.

You bring up how you were married for 18 years.  Please -spare me, it’s already come out in court that you easily broke your marriage of 18 years to have a chance to be a father.  I seriously believed you loved me and I was special.

Call me naivete or just plain stupid.  I accept either.

~P.

Why do I blog about my life?  To get me through it.  I have a super supportive man in my life, unlike the past.

Dear John~Softball

Dear John,

I just didn’t have time to write yesterday.  See my life is really busy with school, homework and the like.  Though I planned on being at Tesla’s appointment no matter what.

I’m still shaking my head about that phone call you made to me.  Something about me coming to pick up Tesla, take her to the surgeon and then run her back to the house.  Oh that’s right….it’s coming back to me now.  You had softball and that’s so important you didn’t want to miss it.  Tesla’s appointment…eh, not so important huh?

I told Zeth you called me asking if I could pick up Tesla for her appointment.

Zeth said, “Let me guess….he has softball.”  I said yep and they didn’t have a coach.  Zeth’s response, “If he would have called you when he was playing softball she wouldn’t have a broken arm to start with.”

I don’t know if you moved practice up or just left early or what…..I don’t even care.  What comforts me is my daughter counting down the days until we are together again.

You asked if I will be able to make her appointment when they cut the cast off and remove the pins.  I certainly will make it.  The real question?

Will you?

~P.

 

 

 

Dear John~You may not want to read this

Dear John,

There, I told you why I hurt and only asked you try to make it less.  Our conversation only lasted a minute at most as it was no huge request requiring a lengthy explanation.  The anger that boils over when I see you is what filled me when the love was emptied.  I want to feel nothing.  I wait to feel nothing.  But I feel.

I’m told it’s a thin line between love and hate.  I can’t say I hate you, yet I know I’m not in love. Instead, unfair and unwanted emotions fill me, torment me.  Poking me like hot sticks pulled out of the fire.  A fire that burned so hot and never went out, but instead is smoldering.  The fuel that makes the emotions rise back into a flame are confusing and unwanted.  Pain, anger and lost love.

No relationship is perfect but I tried my best.  To have a marriage fail when I truly was in love is painful beyond explanation.  I look back in doubt, wondering if you ever really loved me.  Was I just the vehicle you controlled to reach your goals in life?  I find it hard to believe you were in love with me as deeply as I loved you.  It was just too easy for you to move on as I sank deeper and deeper into depression.  You replaced me with woman after woman, declaring each one to be your new love, while I sat back wondering what happened to your love for me.

I made mistakes, perhaps even falling deeper into depression before seeking medical attention to help me cope with my near death experiences and the loss of our second child.  It tore me up inside, feeling like a failure and hearing your voice confirm it.  Why couldn’t you be there for me when I needed you the most?  I never felt like I was your most important and I was right in that feeling.  My tears and fears were warranted yet your focus was always on the business and making money.  If I couldn’t receive a quick-fix to be a “good wife” in your eyes, you just didn’t have the time to work on the marriage.  My disappointment swallows me up.  The bitterness we both feel doesn’t surprise me.  We had it all and it stolen from us.  Pride and blame stepped in and tore us apart, letting a broken home for our child.  A true shame as I believed we shared a special bond that could never be broken.

This may cause no emotion in you.  If it does, most likely you will hide or deny it.  You may ignore my request to not bring your girlfriend along when we have appointments and meetings concerning Tesla.  I’m at least honest when I tell you it hurts having it shoved in my face.  Tesla may not have her parents together anymore but in all fairness, your girlfriend does not need to be present.  I’m not chasing you, begging you to remain married in some desperate wish that the pain and anger can once again be happiness and love.  I don’t care to cry after every encounter that involves seeing and speaking with you.  Getting through situations where we are together for the sake of Tesla is much easier without a girlfriend there.  I tell myself no one will ever love you as I did because I accepted you for who and how you are.  I knew all your secrets, your temper and your fears and I still loved you.

You once said your biggest fear was losing me and you couldn’t live without me.  I know that is no longer true.  I am sure your biggest fear now is losing Tesla.  Tesla will always be our daughter and because of her, I will always have love for you.   Not the deep, in love, passion I felt years ago.  But the smoldering love that I cannot escape, no matter how much I pray for the fire to be extinguished.

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